Pulling Out My Hair

You know those weeks when you have to really remind yourself that surely life won't give you more crap than you can handle? That you will make it? That many people are much worse off? Well, if you haven't surmised it, I'm having one of those weeks. Some moments I feel that I am barely holding it together. Other moments I know that everything will work out. I could go into a lot of detail, but that would be boring. Let's just touch on a few of today's highlights thus far (and the day's not over!):


-Took dogs on a walk. It had been sunny all morning. Maggie kept attempting to go #2
but then changing her mind. When she finally decides to go, she squats in some guy's hard, and he DRIVES UP TO THE HOUSE mid-poo. And I forgot bags. OF COURSE. Then he yelled at me. Then it starts raining really hard. Then I realize I have dropped my phone along the way.
(silver lining = found the phone and it still worked despite the rain and no one ran over it with their car)

-Car wouldn't start...which isn't anything new lately, but this time, no matter how many times I wiggled the red wire to the battery, it wouldn't turn and I was 30 minutes late to work.
(silver lining = I have a cool neighbor who was able to come over and wiggle wires while I tried starting it and that worked)

-First email in my inbox when I arrived to work was my insurance agent informing me that my policy expired today because apparently the auto draft didn't draft last month causing me to miss a payment, and now I owe last month's bill plus another $30.
(silver lining = he caught it, and it won't be a big hassle to re-instate it)

-Someone at work ate my Kashi microwave dinner. It's the second time this has happened. and of course, this makes is necessary to go get something for dinner, and of course, my car won't start.
(silver lining = a co-worker was nice enough to drive me to Subway)

The Re-Arranger

I am trying to remember to write in this blog when I am not angry, so that when I look back on the years I spent blogging, I won't seem like just some livid twenty-something. But the problem is that since I was very young, journaling has been something I mostly do when I am angry, upset, annoyed, or irritated, because it's such a good outlet, and after I wrote it all down, I feel better and don't take things out on some undeserving friend (or a deserving driver texting on his cell phone on my commute home). When I go through old diaries/journals, most of my entries are from when I was mad at my mom for something or other, because who has time to write when their happy and just enjoying things? It helps me to not internalize things so much.

Even when cloaked in sarcasm and/or humor, my posts generally have an unsettled, irritated undertone. You see, I am a worrier. I come from a loooooong line of worriers. I worry about everything from my "check engine" light, to the drunk drivers I have to deal with on my commute home, to my neighbor's poor treatment of his dogs, to our planted earth and the havoc we are wreaking on it. Big and small, nothing is too minute for me to worry about it or stress out over it. My worry manifests itself in various physical ways. I grind my teeth, bit and chew on my tongue and mouth sometimes causing major sores (I have done this since I was a young child), and my worry/stress contributes to the severity of my Levator Ani spasms. My mom was such a worrier in her twenties that she began to develop stomach ulcers in college. My grandmother is the biggest worrier of us all.

I am trying to worry less and relax more. To stop thinking about all the bills and all of the people and things I can't control. Let go of those things that are out of my control. I cannot change people. I cannot make people recycle or conserve water or stop using Styrofoam or use canvas bags or compost or use glass instead of plastic. I cannot flip off every single Hummer in existence. (Though I will continue to try.) I cannot save every stray animal I see. I cannot make other people care about the things I care so deeply about.

So I will focus on the things I CAN do. And the list is long.

I CAN:
-consume less
-buy items that are packaged in recyclable materials
-compost
-not eat meat
-use as little plastic as possible, especially with food
-use cast iron pots and pans instead of non-stick/Teflon
-buy as little leather as possible (hopefully none)
-gather water and A/C runoff in a rain barrel for re-use
-use a push reel lawn mower
-use compostable (made from corn) cups if I need disposable cups
-buy organic produce
-not buy products that are tested on animals
-unplug my power strips when I am not using those appliances
-use an all-wind plan for my electricity
-use xeriscaping and native plants in my yard
-unplug my cellphone charger
-use rags and cut-up t-shirts instead of paper towels
-buy vehicles that do not needlessly exceed the size or capabilities that I NEED to get from A to B comfortably.
-Freecycle as many items as possible to avoid throwing them into landfills
-start a veggie garden (on the to-do list)
-opt out of catalogs and stop ordering magazines I will never have time to read
-buy CFLs
-use a programmable thermostat
-mix my own green cleaning supplies
-support local businesses
-us no-VOC interior paints
-carpool more
-choose to purchase products from socially responsible manufacturers
-line-dry my clothes in lieu of the dryer as much as possible

I can take a deep break and r-e-l-a-x


p.s. I am watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics as I write this, and someone needs to tell Matt Lauer that the hats the American team is wearing are not berets, they are newsboy caps. NOT BERETS. Ralph Lauren wouldn't design uniforms for the American team that included a traditional French hat.

currently listening to: Mates of State

Week 5

Two days ago I had my fifth weekly pelvic floor therapy appointment "Amy" at my doctor's office. The biofeedback showed no improvement in my spasms/minute. I met with the doctor afterward (I meet with her every fifth or sixth appointment to touch base on treatment). She could tell I was disappointed with seeing no improvement, especially since I am now doing the electronic stimulation/biofeedback at her office once a week and physical therapy three times a week. She reminded me that it took my body years and years to get to this point, and it will take a while for it to "unwind." I also expressed frustration on the limited amount of information available on Levator Ani Spasms online and told her that my friend Laura went to the NYU medical library to see what she could learn and only found one article about it. She reminded me that this problem also goes by several other names and that I might find more info under "pelvic floor tension myalgia." She then copied a recent article she had about the subject titled Physical Therapy for Pelvic Pain: Understanding the Musculoskeletal Connection. The article reiterated that ballet and gymnastics contribute to this (I took ballet from the ages of 3-13 and gymnastics for a few years in there too, along with tap, ballroom, jazz...), as well as prolonged sitting (ummm...I'm a graphic designer), and general stress, anxiety, and tension (well, just look at the past year I've had). And as a note, my physical therapist (we'll call her "T") said that for her patients who have the opposite problem as me, patients with a relaxed and loose pelvic floor caused by things such as natural aging and childbirth, she actually teaches balletic exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, such as pliés. Because my pelvic floor has been trained all of these years to contract through dance and everything I've already discussed, I have the opposite problem of these women.

At physical therapy today I asked T if having a large waist-to-hips ratio has impacted this in any way. The "average" woman has a 10 inch difference between her waist and hips, but mine is more than ten. I sleep on my side, but my hips hurt in the morning and it has been this way as far back as I can remember. T said yes. Because this causes a deeper curve at my waist and my spine cannot be straight while sleeping, and because I tend to sleep on my left side, this unevenness has contributed to my hip rotation.

So the four-copays-a-week continue for 6 more weeks and I remain optimistic and very very grateful for such amazing doctors, my physical therapist, and a relatively quick diagnosis.