Contamination

Hummers offend me in a lot of ways. They offend my eyes, specifically my eye for design. They offend my nose with their fuel emissions. They offend my sense of safety, as even a fender bender with one of them could kill me. The list goes on.

But last week I saw the most obnoxious and offensive one to date. Oh how I wish I could've gotten to my camera! It was even more offensive than the H3 with the custom Burberry tire cover that I saw in Fort Worth. Yeah. For real.

Picture this:
Red H2. On the lower left-hand side of the back window there is a black "W: The President" sticker. Barf. It's the first "W" sticker I have seen in months. All of the Republicans I know would rather not draw attention to the fact that they voted for such an imbecile. But don't get me started on Bush...I digress. On the lower right-hand side of the back window was the very first McCain sticker I have seen in Texas. Lower your gaze to the license plate, and he has an SPCA plate. You know, the one that proves that he allegedly loves animals. But how can you truly love animals when you drive an animal-crushing machine? And how can you love animals when your H2 gets an estimated 13/17 mpg (and we all know that the "estimates" are always waaaay lower than what you actually get), and your gas emissions are choking the wildlife and giving your dog asthma? Hypocritical much? THE TOPPER was the personalized plates. If you know me, then you know that vanity plates drive me nuts. Like this one that I saw on I-30. They are very rarely clever or creative, and are most often just a way to show off and waste money and be obnoxious. Yet another manifestation of conspicuous consumption. I like to make fun of them. This guy's personalized plates said JOSH.

Wow, JOSH is taking being an asshole to a whole new level. JOSH is a bad representation of guys named JOSH. JOSH is compensating for A LOT. Poor JOSH has a teency tiny penis and has to do a significant amount of compensation to make himself feel better.

So if you see JOSH on the road, be sure to give him your favorite finger for me. Or tell him that you're sorry about how he was...shortchanged.

a few tips for Dallas drivers, based on observations over the past four days

- when the people in the lane next to you brake, it is not necessary to do any sympathy braking
- when it is dark outside and raining, it's a smart idea to turn on your headlights
- if you're in the "fast lane," a.k.a. the passing lane, and are pacing the person next to you for miles, therefor causing a backup of drivers behind you restlessly veering to the left or right and craning their necks to see if there is a reasonable explanation for this situation, please either speed up and get in front of the person next to you, or slow down and get behind them.
- when someone merges onto 30W from, oh, say, 1st Avenue, and has a mere five car lengths of lane to merge left, LET THEM OVER!
- I know that sometimes it is annoying to pay attention to all of the well-marked construction areas in Expo Park, but please remember that all four (or six or eight...) of your tires should be to the RIGHT of the yellow double striped line. If you see cars coming directly toward you, and the drivers are honking and flashing their lights at you, chances are you are on the wrong side of those pesky lines. Kindly MOVE OVER.
- Although I pity your clearly-tiny, well, member, I am not impressed with your Hummer/big shiny grill/Escalade/large white clean clearly-never-used-for-hauling-crap Ford 350/Landrover/make-your-car-shake bass/Expedition/over-sized rims. I am, however, jealous of your Honda Fit/VW Rabbit or GTI/Nissan Versa.
- Those white stripes in parking lots that are used to define parking slots are not just suggestions, YOUR VEHICLE IS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO FIT BETWEEN THEM. I know, crazy right? So if you either can't drive your massive vehicle well enough to accomplish this feat, or if your vehicle simply doesn't fit, try downsizing and then get some therapy for your compensation issues. And please stop trying to fit in the compact spots - those are for me.

two words

conspicuous consumption


We all want nice things. A reliable car that gets us from A to B. A safe, attractive place to live. Stylish clothes we feel comfortable in that express who we are. Maybe you want a stainless steel trash can instead of your white plastic one, or an iPod, a new laptop, a couch that isn't a hand-me-down, an expensive new pair of jeans that fits like no other, some new camping equipment, or even a house. My point is, there is a difference between wanting nice things and conspicuous consumption, between "I have a nice comfortable car that efficiently gets me from A to B" and "look look LOOK at my EXPENSIVE car that cost me soooo much and shows off how much money I make and how much better I am than YOU."

In my opinion, conspicuous consumption is represented well by the Hummer. Most people who know me are well aware of my deep, deep, hatred of these vehicles. I despise, nay, loathe them. My blood pressure starts to rise and I actually start to sweat. Really, truly, sweat. There is absolutely, positively NO reason to have one of these vehicles in urban America other than to show off. Owning one shows a complete lack of respect for the earth you call home, the people you call neighbors and family, and your fellow drivers. PERIOD.

Another popular and perfect example of conspicuous consumption are logos. Oh you know what I'm talking about. That handbag or suitcase with an LV printed all over it. ("Look how much I spent on this handbag; I just have SO MUCH MONEY!! Don't you wish you were me?") Burberry plaid. The double C Chanel Logo. Gucci. Prada. Juicy Couture. Tommy Hilfiger. Even brands like Guess and some Target private labels are getting on the logo bandwagon. The thing is, these labels make many many styles of with a discreet logo. If you are really interested in the style or quality/craftsmanship of these items, they offer plenty of options without obnoxious all-over logos. But the people who choose the items plastered in logos are only interested in broadcasting their status and wealth; they are, above all, a status symbol. They say "I am chic, I have plenty disposable income, and I align myself with the marketing, lifestyle, and ideals that this company represents." Of course this logo-mania extends beyond leather goods to clothing, home decor, and as always, vehicles. (Just to reiterate this, I am not saying that having nice things is bad, just that there is a clear difference between having nice things, and having nice things with the sole purpose of showing off.) For example, we have seen the Eddie Bauer Explorer, for the person wanting to say "I am tough, I am outdoors-y, but I like leather seats embroidered with the Eddie Bauer logo and I never leave the safe pavement of my housing subdivision and suburban zip code...shhhhhh, don't tell!" I recently got behind this vehicle (see pic below) and shrieked "NO WAY!" With my right hand I fumbled inside my backpack and found my camera in time to grab a shot just as it turned a corner.


An H3 with a custom Burberry plaid spare tire cover, the red in the plaid matching the red Hummer. oh. my. gracious. Conspicuous consumption at its...worst.